It’s a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, unforeseen events tear them apart, and an elaborate romantic gesture later, they ride off into the sunset. Every Hollywood or Bollywood film about love and romance ever made will have some variation of this recipe. Why mess with a classic when, in the end, we know the protagonists will end up together, right? This begs the question: Were they just swept up in the romance of it all? The audience doesn’t get to see what happens after the end credits have long since rolled away, do they?
For me, however, what remains is that the older I get, the more disillusioned I tend to be with romance, relationships, or those warm fuzzy feelings. In fact, Amazon Prime’s latest offering, Nine Perfect Strangers, summed it up rather well. On the show, Melissa McCarthy’s character (a celebrated romance novelist) tells Samara Weaving’s character that romance writers are nothing but ‘hustlers of the heart’. And while the show is a far cry from a romantic comedy, it did make me reexamine my choice of movies, and question whether I was kidding myself when it came to my romantic attachments.
The fact remains, real life doesn’t play out like the movies, and those “happy endings” are a fallacy; nobody wants to address the elephant in the room; love and relationships take communication, hard work, sacrifice, and more importantly, a willingness from both partners to honour the commitment they made to each other.
Happy ever after?
But, who doesn’t like that feel-good factor that’s an inevitability from watching the guy get the girl in the end? Dr Sagar Mundada, a Mumbai-based consultant psychiatrist, sexologist, and deaddiction specialist, is of the opinion that romantic comedies are “a fantastic way of taking artistic expression to a new level of happy”.
“This is because romcoms are filled with positive emotions like laughter and romance, both of which can pump your brain full of happy hormones like oxytocin and serotonin, elevating your mood. But they do more than just give you that feel-good factor. Watching a romantic film with your partner is a definitive way to help you understand different perspectives in your relationship in a manner that’s relatable and not preachy,” says Mundada.
However, most couples, particularly those with children, have another story to tell. Chantelle Rodrigues, a 35-year-old homemaker from Mumbai, says, “No one tells you that your husband will eventually turn into another child you’ll have to pick up after. Nobody tells you that it’s all rainbows and butterflies in the beginning, but the moment children enter the picture, you have no time for romance or date nights. Romance goes out the window because neither you nor your partner truly has the time for it. Those who tell you otherwise are kidding themselves.”
Reality bytes
If there’s one thing that I’ve learnt from past relationships and the countless romantic comedies I’ve watched is that the most important relationship you need to work on is the one you have with yourself.
Hashim Mehdi (name changed), a commercial pilot and serial dater, says, “What I’ve taken away from my many failed relationships is the importance of knowing what I want, how far I’m willing to go, and when it’s time to draw that line.”
“I’ve needed a partner to keep me grounded, which means, she needs to be rooted in the real world. With most of my exes, my job and subsequent lifestyle has meant that they have unrealistic expectations. I’ve even had exes talk about gestures they’d expect from me because of something they watched in a movie. There was one who even wanted me to make amends after a fight by sipping on hot sauce because Ross was willing to ‘drink the fat’ for Rachel on Friends,” he says.
Founder and CEO of New Thought Therapist, a social enterprise working to expand access to quality mental health support and simplified psychoeducation, Bhavya Raj Arora, says, “I often tell my clients that reel life is very different from the real life. I find that if the relationship lacks the foundational footstones of connection, vulnerability, active communication, realistic expectation setting, and being grounded in reality, the dramatic representations of a romcom can create conflicting expectations from the relationship.”
Arora emphasises that the media that we consume impacts our perception of the real world. “I have worked with clients to deflate unrealistic expectations set by the movies and TV shows. For example, expecting your partner to look into your eyes and magically know you're hurting, is a scene that works well in a romcom but is far from plausible in real-time relationships.”
Sense and sensibilities
Watching a romantic comedy with your partner is a healthy practice, albeit when you use those feel-good hormones to express affection. And Arora concurs. She shares certain guidelines for couples to follow.
Use it as a means of entertainment. Establish that movie time is to spend some quality time together. Actively communicate if either of the partners feels an expectation rising or feel triggered/upset about their relationship with the partner while watching the movie.
Use the movie to talk about things that you appreciate in the other relationship and express your needs to your partner. For example, “I loved how they had the ritual of having tea together every day till the very end! Perhaps, we could we try building a ritual that’s just ours?”
However, discontent in a relationship can arise when a partner is unable to express themselves, or feels slighted when they are not heard. And while it’s important to work on your relationship and communication, it also helps your romantic equation when you nurture that relationship with yourself to understand what works for you and doesn’t. “Use this as an opportunity to connect instead of making it a reason that causes disconnection and discomfort,” says Arora.
