A recent online thread caught my eye. The question was simple: "What's something that women say to men that they don't realise is insulting?" The answers were eye-opening.
Phrases like "Be a man," "Man up," or "A real man would..." were called out for their subtle toxicity. They imply that women often use these terms to make their expectations from their man clear. We remember how Lady Macbeth used similar tactics to force Macbeth to commit a crime from which he could never recover. They imply that there's a specific mould that men must fit into, a predetermined set of behaviours and attitudes that define their masculinity. Other beef shared by men was that while men increasingly champion women's individuality, women sometimes reinforce traditional notions of masculinity, expecting men to fit a certain "manly" mould. This dissonance isn't new, but the digital age amplifies it. Phrases like "be a man" or "man up," while seemingly innocuous, expose the subtle pressure men face to conform, a stark contrast to the push for women to break free from societal constraints.
This conversation challenged my own unconscious biases, reminding me of how easily we internalise and perpetuate harmful stereotypes, even in our most intimate relationships. I recalled having used similar expressions to speak to my partner or my brother. The fact is, we're all products of our social conditioning, and these ingrained beliefs subtly shape our perceptions and interactions. Unfortunately, the new age dating gurus are perpetuating some of these dangerous stereotypes.
The rising popularity of relationship therapists like Sadia Khan is concerning. While she offers some valuable insights, her overarching message seems steeped in a bygone era, emphasising traditional gender roles and promoting a narrow view of what constitutes a "good" man or woman. Her concepts, often boxed and hollow, threaten to mislead a generation grappling with unprecedented challenges in love and intimacy.
Khan's emphasis on marriage, settling down, and the demonization of "gold-diggers" perpetuates a binary worldview that disregards the diverse realities of modern relationships. This rigid framework not only stifles individuality but also undermines the very essence of authentic connection – the freedom to be ourselves, flaws and all.
One of the reasons why so-called relationship experts resort to making simplistic statements harkening back to primitive gender roles is because it conveniently aligns with the often-polarising discourse on gender politics, driving sensationalised conversations that ultimately fail to serve the purpose of building meaningful relationships.
This is not to say that we don't need relationship therapists. Therapy is a deeply personal and individual journey that happens within the safe confines of a therapist's office. It's a space where couples can navigate their unique challenges, address dysfunction, and heal from past wounds. There are undoubtedly relationships that cannot be salvaged, but therapy offers the opportunity to dust off the cobwebs, address underlying issues, and work towards a healthier, more functional dynamic.
However, this intimate and transformative work cannot be replicated on YouTube channels or through the superficial advice of glamorous online personalities and content makers who throw out platitudes and package outdated ideas as original content, their sole purpose being to compete and conquer the social media algorithm. The complexities of human relationships require a depth of understanding and individualised attention that can only be found in the therapeutic setting.
For instance, Esther Perel, a pioneer in the humanistic and psychoanalytic approach to relationships, champions a more nuanced understanding of love and connection. Her podcast, "Where Should We Begin?," offers profound insights by delving into the real-life challenges faced by anonymous couples, creating a space for vulnerability, introspection, and growth.
Finally, healthy attachment isn't about conforming to a predetermined mould. When it comes to matters of heart, it is better to ignore the cacophony of social media, and return to the quiet wisdom we all carry within us. Just as a baby instinctively seeks nourishment from its mother, human beings possess an innate understanding of healthy attachment. It's a wisdom that transcends gender, rooted in our primal need for connection and belonging.
We must reject the simplistic narratives peddled by self-proclaimed experts that are only working towards perpetuating gender stereotypes and reclaim the timeless wisdom that resides within us. After all, the most profound connections are those that celebrate our individuality and allow us to flourish as our true selves, unburdened by the weight of outdated expectations, which no longer serve the unique needs of couples in modern society.
