When Desire Doesn't Match: How Couples Can Navigate Sexual Differences

I am a 35-year-old mild mannered man who got married at the age of 30. We have no children. The problem is that my wife’s libido is very high and I am not able to match it. What should I do? SK, Ghatkopar

Culturally, world over, it’s believed “a man has to satisfy the woman”. In a couple, it is very common that the sexual appetites are different. So, don’t feel low for not matching her libido, which could be high due to hormonal changes, psychiatric illness, unrealistic expectations, or lack of knowledge too. Talk with her and understand what she wants. Come to a common point where sexual needs are met; where she is satisfied and it doesn’t create pressure on you. You can give her multiple orgasms with enough foreplay like kissing, cuddling, breast and clitoral stimulation, etc. Most females do not get orgasm by penetrative sex. Advisable is to meet a sexologist who would listen to both of you individually and enhance your intimacy before it affects your relationship.

Immediately after intercourse, my husband drops off to sleep and starts snoring heavily. I find this insulting. What is the solution? PV, Dadar

Oh please, do not feel insulted. His sleeping off has nothing to do with you personally. Nor does he mean to hurt or insult you. It is very normal and natural for a man to sleep after ejaculation. However, all men do not sleep. You need to respect his pattern. It is a simple biochemistry which takes place in males. After ejaculation, there is a release of ‘feel good’ endorphins and bonding hormone (oxytocin) which lowers stress and relaxes the mind and body resulting in deep sleep. He may be simply unaware of what you feel. So talk to him about it. Express your feelings and say openly what you want (afterplay, cuddling, lying down together, etc) which will enhance intimacy. Else it will affect your bedroom life.

My wife gave birth to two children after which she had a tubectomy. Now she is not showing any interest in sex. I find this frustrating. Please advise. RG, Thane

Women go through a roller coaster of hormonal changes during pregnancy, which affect their sexual desires. Moreover, there is more of a motherly feeling with two kids, which fills her day with the same monotonous routine. Sleep deprivation, not feeling good about her body also contributes to lack of interest. Talking and being together means more to her than just a physical sexual act. Spend quality family time, so she gets some time for herself, and you both can spend time alone. It can be frustrating for you as having sex can be just a 5-10 minute thing for you but it is different for a woman. She will be able to enjoy only when she feels emotionally connected to you and it takes time for her mind-body to get into the act. Remember: It is not going to be like this forever; it’s just a passing season.

Dr Hetal Gosalia Samadhan Health Studio. Queries may be sent to fpj.sexmatters@gmail.com